christmas in jackson hole

this is the first year that my dad has had christmas off since before i was born. obviously holidays that are geared toward "togetherness" creates busy schedules for pilots. it's the nature of the business you know. it never bothered me growing up...all you have to do is move christmas to a different day, no bigs. i have always been annoyed by those christmas movies that center around whether or not someone's parent is going to be present on christmas eve/day. you know the ones: workaholic father, adorably disappointed kid, the parent's choice... i think those movies are ridiculous. did you know that you can actually celebrate christmas on the 26th of december and it does not change it one bit?? stupid brats who have no regard for the fact that their parent is actually working that hard so that they can buy them sh*t really chap my shorts. come on, precocious little menace. the world doesn't revolve around you and your lofty holiday expectations. you'll still get that barbie bicycle or the tonka truck...know why? because your daddy got a paycheck. anyway. i digress.

sooooo since my dad had his heart attack and is out on sick leave until the spring, we decided that we'd take a little family adventure vacation to jackson hole, wyoming, have a little white christmas for ourselves and get away just the 3 of us. it was short and sweet and action packed. the two full days we were there, my dad arranged for us to take tours of yellowstone national park and the hot springs on snowmobiles...

we got picked up by our guide around 6:30 the first morning. he was driving one of those 15 passenger vans with a couple other families who had already been collected from their respective hotels. i kid you not, this dude looked like a hybrid of Johnny Depp and Val Kilmer (circa 1986). we'll call him Johnny Kilmer (see below, i know right?!?). he was also crazy.
Johnny Kilmer is originally from arkansas, which you can immediately detect as soon as he opens his mouth and words come out. he is insanely friendly and outspoken, so mix those qualities with southern hospitality and comedic relief and that is a recipe for a Laura swoon. uh oh!

he's one of those dudes that is a reckless adolescent trapped in an adult body. i'm not kidding, he feared nothing. he'd whip the snowmobiles around with authority, man. he is a true outdoor dude. the things he said yielded a "WTF??" glance between my mom and me about 95% of the time. he told stories about "tacklin' a cy-ote that was takin' a dump by the side of the road" and "grabbin' a big ole crow and tuckin' it under his jacket and lettin' it lose in the bar just to see how people'd react," and such. there are really no words to respond to his remarks, only "ha..haahahha...ok...." here's another:

JK: "Yeeah. ever wunce ina while, i gotta check peoples fay-ces fer white spawts 'cuz that thurs the beginnin's of frawst bite. i knowed a gah who's nose got it and it dun turned black and fell awff. this wun time i was huntin' and decided to get in the lake and gave myself hah-po-thurmia, ya know. just so's i'd know whut it felt like. mos people don't know when they's got it 'cuz wunce you get it you think you're hawt so ya take off all ya clothes."
My Dad: "So you just sat in freezing cold water and gave yourself hypothermia?"
JK: "Yeeeah mayn."

this was nonstop randomness for 2 days.

we had a blast on those snowmobiles. the first day, we traveled over 100 miles throughout the park. each of us had our own snowmobile and we rode like little ducks in a row. i had issues keeping up with the group because i'd get caught up looking at the lovely landscape daydreaming, pretending that "1901" was the soundtrack of my journey. other times, "let it ride" by ryan adams would be playing in my head and i would feel like a badass sittin' back gangsta on that sno-mo, marshmellowed out in about 34 layers of clothing. cause i'm cool like that.
we stopped and walked around the sulfur springs where scalding hot water bubbles in patches beneath the snow-covered earth - it's so cool but it smells like farts. i walked behind my mom on the trails and every 5 seconds she was either hitting the snow off a tree branch or kicking the snow mounds like a little kid who leaves destruction in his wake. "um, mom...what are you doing?"
(she innocently looks back and grins) "i just can't help myself."my parents were giving me a hard time about driving so slow and not keeping up with the person in front of me, but... SORRY. sno-mos aren't the easiest machinery to operate, you pull the gas lever and lurch forward like a kid learning to drive a stick, then as soon as you let off the gas you basically come to an immediate complete stop no matter how fast you're going. it's tricky, ok? so it would only be appropriate that the most cautious driver would be involved in the only collision 5 minutes before we returned the vehicles. yeah. i rear ended my mom and my hood popped off... let it ride indeed. it was not badass.

nevertheless, we enjoyed the rest of our journey unscathed. on the way up, johnny kilmer was offering his usual ridiculous commentary: "awwwlright. we're comin' up on sum sulfur springs so don't think somewun dun fawrted in the vayn." ok...thanks....
we got to the park to begin snowmobile journey #2 and rode our sno-mos up to the granite hot springs. it's a natural outdoor hot tub! the water comes out of the earth at 112 degrees right in the middle of an atmosphere of 10 degrees. changing into our swimsuits and walking down to the pool was borderline unbearably cold but totes worth it. after our sno-mo adventure, we were ready to be back at our hotel for some r&r for our last night in the JH. we were mysteriously the first family to be picked up for the day and the last to be dropped off... hm...could it be that johnny kilmer felt a special connection to us? it's possible...
we said our goodbyes and went to the room. i threw on sweats as we prepared to go down to the hotel restaurant for our last meal in town when, out of nowhere, dad's phone rings. minutes later, with a bewildered expression, my dad reveals that johnny kilmer will be joining us. what in the sweet name of mary??? our tour guide wants to hang? sorry parents. i need a minute to spruce.

i felt totally awkward about it because i mean really...who has game when their parents are sitting inches away? come on. i have the tendency to be epileptic around dudes as it is. but oh, no worries. after he's chillin' with us for a few minutes i realize that he's not there cause he thinks i'm a cute out-of-towner...no no. he's got a man crush on my dad. see, he's an aspiring pilot.

ego deflating. i return to dallas with my tail between my legs and ready to begin my "better men in 2010" mentality.

merry late-christmas, loves. i hope yours was filled with happy memories, awkward family stories, and love. thanks for coming, Jesus!

love/miss/namaste.