5 reasons why I am the worst adult ever.

i recently realized that i suck at being a grown up. sure, i've got some redeeming qualities, but they haven't really been able to make up for the fact that i'm barely competent at living my own life as a functioning adult. i've always had a safety net, and it's name is fred-and-charlotte. thank God for them. thank GAAAAAHD.

1. bills: at the condo where KH and i live, all bills are in my name. when we moved, i had our cable and energy services switched to our new residence and all was fine and dandy - or so i thought. i also pay our bills online because i'm cyber-savvy and my generation is hopelessly dependent on the internet (i am exhibit A). so after 3 months of living in melrose place, i realized that the address on our bill is not the address of our condo. WTF?! who's condo are we funding?! who's paying for OUR energy?! why, God, WHY??! then, we get a notice on our door from the energy company that the previous tenants used (that has been our energy provider all along) saying they're shutting off our energy unless we pay the balance for the last 3 months. well punch me in the crotch and call me clueless because this is just spiraling out of control. *this situation has since been resolved, more or less, but not without teeth-gnashing and hyperventilation. and Green Mountain energy owes us $700.

2. mail: i have so much of it that i don't know what to do with it all. KH doesn't receive mail at our place so i'm the one who checks it. not only do we have mail coming in for the previous dudes who lived here, but the owners too. not to mention all those coupons. ugh. i end up putting it in a huge bundle in a canvas bag and toting it back and forth from work to home every day in hopes that i'll have time to sort it. i finally gave the previous tenants their mail - in a shoebox... and i've been going through my own. guess what i found?! a notice from BofA that they were canceling my credit and debit cards and were sending new ones! AND i found the cards! from back in october. i didn't realize i had gotten all this in the mail...so back when my cards stopped working at McDonalds and Forever 21, i spent some time at BofA trying to resolve what i thought was a major situation then. i can't help it if the cards were in unmarked envelopes! it would have helped if they had said, "ENCLOSED IS YOUR NEW BANK CARD, DUMBASS!" on the front. then i would have cracked that crap open...

3. wisdom teeth: i still have them. do you know when my oral surgeon recommended me to get them out? summer of 2002...the last time i saw him. see, i'm an avoider. if i don't want to do something/face a situation, i retreat. it's unhealthy, i realize, but it's been working out OK...until the situation i have to face is a million times worse. BURN. anyway, the reason i have been freaked out is because back in 2002, i had oral surgery on my lip to remove some ruptured salivary glad or something (i don't remember)...but what i DO remember is being CONSCIOUS while he sliced open my face. also, right before he scalpeled me, i stopped him...

me: wait wait wait!!! i can still feel things!!! don't cut!!!
doc: hmm...i gave you a shot, you shouldn't be able to feel it...
me: uh...well i CAN. see?? (violently poking my lower lip)
doc: ok...um...i guess i can give you another shot just to be safe.
me: UH. YEAH.
then my mom picked me up and took me to sonic and i felt better...but STILL. that's messed up, right?

so i go to my consultation the other day, this little trauma fresh on my mind, and sat through a cheesy video about wisdom tooth extraction and possible risks. doc comes in and tells me i've got 4 impacted wisdom teeth that should have come out 8 years ago and i've got the risk of dry sockets because i waited so long. i can barely understand him, his voice is deep and his words run together a bit. also, he's got a crick in his neck and can't turn his head. at all. looking at my x-rays through the ceiling light was rather difficult to say the least. BUT DON'T WORRY. i won't need to be put under. i'll be consciously sedated, key word here being conscious. WHAT KIND OF UNDERGROUND TORTURE FACILITY IS HE RUNNING HERE?!?! at this point, my natural instincts are kicking in, so i just nod and say o...k.... and walk out of the office very fast-like. doom is coming for me on February 26.

4. cooking: for some odd reason, i have lost all ability to prepare food in a kitchen. let me rephrase that, prepare food for someone in the kitchen...

- meal #1 - a frozen pizza. i take it out of the oven to let it cool. i am notified that it is not cooked all the way and immediately snub the notification. only when i stick my finger in the frozen center do i realize that i had the oven on 325 instead of 425. awesome.
- meal #2 - potroast. i'm not going to throw my mom under the bus here, but i am. if charlotte dudney ever tells you to use oven bags, tell her that you will only use them to hold the mediocre meal that was cooked inside them as you take it to the dumpster. also, i made leaf soup. note: when making homemade dressing, do not pour the entire concoction into a salad bag, it will end badly.
- meal #3 - GRILLED CHEESE. why? why, God, would you let this happen again? how many nights have i made myself (and others) grilled cheese without a hitch? and now...now...i have managed to botch the easiest meal known to man to prepare.

my woman card has been taken from me officially. sorry, dani. i failed you.

5. clutter: this is a lifestyle condition that i have tried to combat through changing apartments every year. i justify that in moving, i'll get rid of things i don't need. what a cute thought, buuuut false. my job also perpetuates this problem because i get free stuff all the time. i'm the trinket queen. i can barely clear a path in my room to walk from bed to toilet and i've been sharing my bed with a 5-pound chihuahua and a pile of clean clothes for which i have no home. it's actually quite comfortable to snuggle up to. i might as well get used to it, because the previous 4 points i have just made will inevitably result in that pile of clothes never being replaced by a husband.

love/miss/namaste.