creeps : Laura as moths : flame.

i wish this weren't true, but it is. i am a creep magnet. see, i have the words, "I AM NAIVE AND NEVER ASSUME THE WORST ABOUT PEOPLE AND WILL PROBABLY TRUST YOU" written on my forehead, illegible to anyone but delinquents.

i also do not have the ability to think quick on my feet and fall epileptic when confronted, be it a homeless person saying, "one dollar...is that ALL you got?!" or a dude at a bar probing me for my phone number, "i'll just call your phone right now so you'll have mine..." and yes, both of these incidents have happened and both predators got what they wanted. uuunfortunately.

anyway, creep #1 was at the slip inn. i'm not going to put this story in writing because it haunts me to this day. i will say this: Randal, you are a disgrace to all men everywhere and your mother would be ashamed of you.

creep #2: i'm with 4 girlfriends at a bar on greenville. as soon as we walk in and begin ordering our drinks, a huge, i mean gigantically tall man grabs my arm and asks me to dance with him. me, always up for having a good time, oblige him and we two step to the live band that was playing. he dipped me and everything! it was hilarious (ivy/whit/shiv know that this is not the first time i have done this). anyways, after the dance, i go meet my friends at a table nearby. guess who comes with me! oh yes, franklin. his name is franklin. this is extra funny, because i told him that my name was frances...which basically meant that we were made for each other because his name is frank and his grandmother's name was frances too. oh yeah! and he has a lazy eye and is probably 42. so i'm making small talk with franklin and liz (thank God for her) and he asks me if i like to dance because according to him, i'm awesome at it. i say i like it alright... but then he starts listing all these "cool places in Dallas to dance" and tells me that he wants to take me to them. i said that i wasn't sure how my boyfriend would feel about that...you know... we're practically engaged and he just happens to be out of town (ahaha, that lie is just funny). franklin assures me that we'd only go dancing as friends. right. look me in the eye with your good one and tell me again, cowboy.

creep #3 was disturbing, it happened yesterday. i was walking in the parking lot after work when a grey car starts driving AT me and then slows to a stop right beside me. it's a man in some sort of cop uniform...

cop: hey, how's it going?
me: just fine...how are you? (he's a cop, you have to be nice you know)
cop: doing great. just patrolling the area, there have been some break-ins reported around here. do you know of any break-ins lately? have you heard anything?
me: no...i just know that there have been some recently.
cop: yeah. you'll probably see more police patrolling the area, both in cop cars and street cars like myself. so what company is this?
me: fossil.
cop: oh yeah, fossil. how long have you worked there?
me: a year and a half.
cop: cool. the two guys who own the place, have you ever been to their houses?
me: no...
cop: MANSIONS, man. mansions. hahhaha!
me: i'm sure.
cop: so what's you're name?
me: Laura. (should i have said Frances like i usually do? wait no, that's only in bars and he's a cop...but still...he's creepy as frick)
cop: nice to meet you, Laura. my name is Jerry. well, i'll let you get on. have a nice night.
me: (bewildered) nice to meet you too, bye.
*conversation edited because i don't feel like typing it all out.

WTF?!

i'm sorry, but since when do cops in civilian cars corner women in parking lots when it's 35 degrees out? i'm literally standing there in the freezing cold, carrying several big bags and sound like an elderly man because i'm coughing like a duck (i have a sinus thing). and this dude is trying to shoot the breeze? mind you, his car is completely unmarked and there is absolutely nothing in the car besides his bag of fast food. by that i mean there was no radio equipment at all. not even a walkie talkie. you know what i think? i think i was about 2 minutes away from being in his trunk next to a crowbar with duck tape over my mouth.

i am 98% sure he was an impostor. i reported the incident to security and HR because it gave me the heebie jeebies. my coworkers all agree that was scary shit (sorry mom, but you know it is).

i always wonder why creepers zero in on me. i've been told that i have a very approachable face...by these 2 dudes i met at karaoke night last week. they were nice. blah! see? there i go again. i need to stop handing out benefits of the doubt like a girl scout and start being a bitch or i'm going to end up inspiring an episode of CSI.

love/miss/namaste.