Monday, February 15, 2010

no more looking at my privates

it's time to lock it up, no more slutting around all over the internet. my melodrama is not for everyone. i mean, i love chihuahuas and follow snooki on twitter so i might want to keep my...unique musings under wraps. goodbye random blog stalkers and hello to the new readers!

and i was right. the magic snow that dallas had was my good luck charm: i had a very nice valentine's day weekend. i always hate being so bitter about valentine's day - it's not because i feel sorry for myself or i'm jealous of all the lovers out there - i just think it's sort of ridiculous. the kind of love i want to be celebrating is the nitty gritty, selfless, raw, unglamorous, everydays that you share with the people that God's placed in your life to get you from one day to the next. and not just for one day, you know? don't get me wrong. i think hearts are awesome and the color red is super, not to mention the random sweet treats people whip up...i found some chocolate covered strawberries in the fridge last night, no doubt left over from my roomie and her bf's valentine evening. hope it's ok that i stole one. but all in all, v-day just isn't my cup o' tea.

i was so excited to get to see the wonderful ivy + troy duo on saturday night. seriously, these people are love. they just are. good gracious i'm sappy today. it must be because i watched the last half of the Holiday last night and bawled my eyes out toward the end of it. i don't know what it is about that movie but it always plucks on my heart strings.

please see below: ivy and troy welcomed their first pet, Pepper Ruths a couple months ago and she's so sweet i could die. i finally got to meet her and i'm absolutely in love. i adore puppies. they smell so good, i don't know what it is i just want to squeeze them to a loving way.
and of course, in the spirit of the day of love, i've got to give a shout out to my funny little valentine, Boston. i have a freakish and borderline unhealthy relationship with my dog, i realize, but i'm an only child so quirks are to be expected.
to all my valentines near and far, i hope you know how much i love you and am grateful for you (on all days).


Friday, February 12, 2010

wintry mix-a-lot

i don't know if you've noticed, but Dallas is buried underneath a boat load of snow. breaking news people, you're getting it here first i'm sure. i've appointed myself snow historian for the week, so here are some photos of our ski lodge...i mean, condo.

kh digging her car out on thursday morning.
we left work early (me, because i'm nursing a little sinus infection coupled with a duck cough) and after a little nap and green tea, i began what any normal person would do on a day such as this: movie marathon... helloooo, snuggie! sure, i'll take 2 scoops of ice cream!

good thing i was by myself for the movie marathon. i watched 3 movies and one of them had a SUPER awkward sex scene in it...and those make me wildly uncomfortable. i don't know why, but intimate scenes in movies make me cringe like i just peed my pants. i think it's because i'm wondering what the other people who are watching the movie are thinking and if they feel awkward too or if they think what they're watching is cool or clumsy or ...i don't know. i get all freaked out. i'm always that girl in the theater who ducks her head down and puts her hands over her eyes and ears and whispers, "sick!" or "oh for the love of God please don'-...ew." the latter was specifically during Crazy Heart. and if you've seen it, you know what i mean...good flick though. anyway, don't even try to figure out why i have this issue because there is no real reason for it except i'm just maladroit. and no, i've never walked in on my parents. they did it one time and it resulted in my birth and that's that (just kidding, i'm not that crazy). they love each other very much and i'm sure things are great with them and i can't believe i'm still typing about this and i'm going to go throw up now.

sorry, back to the snow.
snow is awesome and also my favorite color.
nighttime view out our living room patio. i tweeted it because it looks exotic.

this is the view from my room upstairs.
daytime view
it's funny how everything looks so much more beautiful with snow everywhere. even passing a strip mall on the access road, i thought to myself, "well isn't that a lovely little establishment, how quaint!" i felt like i was vacationing in colorado or something. i bet touristy ski places look just as boring as home without snow. but probably not.
i want to make a snowman when i get home today. there's tons of snow on my terrace, hopefully it doesn't jack up my new swanky furniture.
bos has the right idea. she's staying nice and warm in the bed.
and the picture trail ends here: at work, slosh city.
and in case you're wondering, i notified HR and security about my little impostor friend. after i told them my story, they said Richardson police was being notified (shudder).
on that creepy note, i'd like to wish you a happy valentine's weekend through clenched teeth. because the only feelings saint valentine stirs up within me are those of awkwardness and disappointment due to misplaced expectations of less than exciting circumstances. although the one truly great valentine's day i had was during a random snowy weekend with some great friends in high school. it was the week of 3 consecutive slumber parties. classic. maybe the snow will be my magical lucky love-day charm.

so i probably won't watch schindler's list like i did last year.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

creeps : Laura as moths : flame.

i wish this weren't true, but it is. i am a creep magnet. see, i have the words, "I AM NAIVE AND NEVER ASSUME THE WORST ABOUT PEOPLE AND WILL PROBABLY TRUST YOU" written on my forehead, illegible to anyone but delinquents.

i also do not have the ability to think quick on my feet and fall epileptic when confronted, be it a homeless person saying, "one that ALL you got?!" or a dude at a bar probing me for my phone number, "i'll just call your phone right now so you'll have mine..." and yes, both of these incidents have happened and both predators got what they wanted. uuunfortunately.

anyway, creep #1 was at the slip inn. i'm not going to put this story in writing because it haunts me to this day. i will say this: Randal, you are a disgrace to all men everywhere and your mother would be ashamed of you.

creep #2: i'm with 4 girlfriends at a bar on greenville. as soon as we walk in and begin ordering our drinks, a huge, i mean gigantically tall man grabs my arm and asks me to dance with him. me, always up for having a good time, oblige him and we two step to the live band that was playing. he dipped me and everything! it was hilarious (ivy/whit/shiv know that this is not the first time i have done this). anyways, after the dance, i go meet my friends at a table nearby. guess who comes with me! oh yes, franklin. his name is franklin. this is extra funny, because i told him that my name was frances...which basically meant that we were made for each other because his name is frank and his grandmother's name was frances too. oh yeah! and he has a lazy eye and is probably 42. so i'm making small talk with franklin and liz (thank God for her) and he asks me if i like to dance because according to him, i'm awesome at it. i say i like it alright... but then he starts listing all these "cool places in Dallas to dance" and tells me that he wants to take me to them. i said that i wasn't sure how my boyfriend would feel about know... we're practically engaged and he just happens to be out of town (ahaha, that lie is just funny). franklin assures me that we'd only go dancing as friends. right. look me in the eye with your good one and tell me again, cowboy.

creep #3 was disturbing, it happened yesterday. i was walking in the parking lot after work when a grey car starts driving AT me and then slows to a stop right beside me. it's a man in some sort of cop uniform...

cop: hey, how's it going?
me: just are you? (he's a cop, you have to be nice you know)
cop: doing great. just patrolling the area, there have been some break-ins reported around here. do you know of any break-ins lately? have you heard anything?
me: no...i just know that there have been some recently.
cop: yeah. you'll probably see more police patrolling the area, both in cop cars and street cars like myself. so what company is this?
me: fossil.
cop: oh yeah, fossil. how long have you worked there?
me: a year and a half.
cop: cool. the two guys who own the place, have you ever been to their houses?
me: no...
cop: MANSIONS, man. mansions. hahhaha!
me: i'm sure.
cop: so what's you're name?
me: Laura. (should i have said Frances like i usually do? wait no, that's only in bars and he's a cop...but still...he's creepy as frick)
cop: nice to meet you, Laura. my name is Jerry. well, i'll let you get on. have a nice night.
me: (bewildered) nice to meet you too, bye.
*conversation edited because i don't feel like typing it all out.


i'm sorry, but since when do cops in civilian cars corner women in parking lots when it's 35 degrees out? i'm literally standing there in the freezing cold, carrying several big bags and sound like an elderly man because i'm coughing like a duck (i have a sinus thing). and this dude is trying to shoot the breeze? mind you, his car is completely unmarked and there is absolutely nothing in the car besides his bag of fast food. by that i mean there was no radio equipment at all. not even a walkie talkie. you know what i think? i think i was about 2 minutes away from being in his trunk next to a crowbar with duck tape over my mouth.

i am 98% sure he was an impostor. i reported the incident to security and HR because it gave me the heebie jeebies. my coworkers all agree that was scary shit (sorry mom, but you know it is).

i always wonder why creepers zero in on me. i've been told that i have a very approachable these 2 dudes i met at karaoke night last week. they were nice. blah! see? there i go again. i need to stop handing out benefits of the doubt like a girl scout and start being a bitch or i'm going to end up inspiring an episode of CSI.


Monday, February 8, 2010

weekend funsies and an important annoucement at the end.

on saturday, our beloved dirty patricia graduated from Baylor Law School. it was so much fun to watch her walk the stage and scream our faces off and then spend the afternoon together...ivy, april and caleena were all there so it was a lovely little reunion.

trisha is pretty badass, she knows the LAW. she's going into family law so she'll probably be the one helping me adopt all my babies. thanks in advance dirty p!

she's a graduate!

also, i started the big purge of my belongings which means i'm basically running a boutique out of my condo. i'm not even kidding. goodbye, reason #5 why i'm an awful adult!

**Important announcement: I'm going to make my blog private, so no more peep shows. I'd like to be able to write about hilarity without worrying if someone is going to be offended/make fun of me later for it. If you're not already following me, send me your email address and I'll add you to my list of approved stalkers. i know there might be 3 of you out there. I'll give you until...February 15 to decide if you want in on this mess.

let me know:


Thursday, February 4, 2010

5 reasons why I am the worst adult ever.

i recently realized that i suck at being a grown up. sure, i've got some redeeming qualities, but they haven't really been able to make up for the fact that i'm barely competent at living my own life as a functioning adult. i've always had a safety net, and it's name is fred-and-charlotte. thank God for them. thank GAAAAAHD.

1. bills: at the condo where KH and i live, all bills are in my name. when we moved, i had our cable and energy services switched to our new residence and all was fine and dandy - or so i thought. i also pay our bills online because i'm cyber-savvy and my generation is hopelessly dependent on the internet (i am exhibit A). so after 3 months of living in melrose place, i realized that the address on our bill is not the address of our condo. WTF?! who's condo are we funding?! who's paying for OUR energy?! why, God, WHY??! then, we get a notice on our door from the energy company that the previous tenants used (that has been our energy provider all along) saying they're shutting off our energy unless we pay the balance for the last 3 months. well punch me in the crotch and call me clueless because this is just spiraling out of control. *this situation has since been resolved, more or less, but not without teeth-gnashing and hyperventilation. and Green Mountain energy owes us $700.

2. mail: i have so much of it that i don't know what to do with it all. KH doesn't receive mail at our place so i'm the one who checks it. not only do we have mail coming in for the previous dudes who lived here, but the owners too. not to mention all those coupons. ugh. i end up putting it in a huge bundle in a canvas bag and toting it back and forth from work to home every day in hopes that i'll have time to sort it. i finally gave the previous tenants their mail - in a shoebox... and i've been going through my own. guess what i found?! a notice from BofA that they were canceling my credit and debit cards and were sending new ones! AND i found the cards! from back in october. i didn't realize i had gotten all this in the back when my cards stopped working at McDonalds and Forever 21, i spent some time at BofA trying to resolve what i thought was a major situation then. i can't help it if the cards were in unmarked envelopes! it would have helped if they had said, "ENCLOSED IS YOUR NEW BANK CARD, DUMBASS!" on the front. then i would have cracked that crap open...

3. wisdom teeth: i still have them. do you know when my oral surgeon recommended me to get them out? summer of 2002...the last time i saw him. see, i'm an avoider. if i don't want to do something/face a situation, i retreat. it's unhealthy, i realize, but it's been working out OK...until the situation i have to face is a million times worse. BURN. anyway, the reason i have been freaked out is because back in 2002, i had oral surgery on my lip to remove some ruptured salivary glad or something (i don't remember)...but what i DO remember is being CONSCIOUS while he sliced open my face. also, right before he scalpeled me, i stopped him...

me: wait wait wait!!! i can still feel things!!! don't cut!!!
doc: hmm...i gave you a shot, you shouldn't be able to feel it...
me: uh...well i CAN. see?? (violently poking my lower lip)
doc: guess i can give you another shot just to be safe.
me: UH. YEAH.
then my mom picked me up and took me to sonic and i felt better...but STILL. that's messed up, right?

so i go to my consultation the other day, this little trauma fresh on my mind, and sat through a cheesy video about wisdom tooth extraction and possible risks. doc comes in and tells me i've got 4 impacted wisdom teeth that should have come out 8 years ago and i've got the risk of dry sockets because i waited so long. i can barely understand him, his voice is deep and his words run together a bit. also, he's got a crick in his neck and can't turn his head. at all. looking at my x-rays through the ceiling light was rather difficult to say the least. BUT DON'T WORRY. i won't need to be put under. i'll be consciously sedated, key word here being conscious. WHAT KIND OF UNDERGROUND TORTURE FACILITY IS HE RUNNING HERE?!?! at this point, my natural instincts are kicking in, so i just nod and say o...k.... and walk out of the office very fast-like. doom is coming for me on February 26.

4. cooking: for some odd reason, i have lost all ability to prepare food in a kitchen. let me rephrase that, prepare food for someone in the kitchen...

- meal #1 - a frozen pizza. i take it out of the oven to let it cool. i am notified that it is not cooked all the way and immediately snub the notification. only when i stick my finger in the frozen center do i realize that i had the oven on 325 instead of 425. awesome.
- meal #2 - potroast. i'm not going to throw my mom under the bus here, but i am. if charlotte dudney ever tells you to use oven bags, tell her that you will only use them to hold the mediocre meal that was cooked inside them as you take it to the dumpster. also, i made leaf soup. note: when making homemade dressing, do not pour the entire concoction into a salad bag, it will end badly.
- meal #3 - GRILLED CHEESE. why? why, God, would you let this happen again? how many nights have i made myself (and others) grilled cheese without a hitch? and have managed to botch the easiest meal known to man to prepare.

my woman card has been taken from me officially. sorry, dani. i failed you.

5. clutter: this is a lifestyle condition that i have tried to combat through changing apartments every year. i justify that in moving, i'll get rid of things i don't need. what a cute thought, buuuut false. my job also perpetuates this problem because i get free stuff all the time. i'm the trinket queen. i can barely clear a path in my room to walk from bed to toilet and i've been sharing my bed with a 5-pound chihuahua and a pile of clean clothes for which i have no home. it's actually quite comfortable to snuggle up to. i might as well get used to it, because the previous 4 points i have just made will inevitably result in that pile of clothes never being replaced by a husband.