Monday, December 6, 2010

SLI - A Review

Last year, a friend and I (let’s call her Persethany) were feeling pretty down in the dumps. We were lost; 2 twenty-somethings in a new(ish) city, trying to figure out…literally… how to do life. We tried everything, but after countless trendy happy hours, a full head of hair extensions, and one SPCA-adopted kitten, we became desperate. What did we have to be so down about? We had jobs. We had a few friends. We had a nearby mall. Why were we feeling so hopeless? How do we fix this? So we did the only thing we knew to do: peruse the self-help section of half price books.

I won’t give you a full review of the book “Quarterlife Crisis”, but let me just say that we did not get through half of it and were worse off for that miserable half we did read. “Here’s Maggie. She is 26 and has a great job, great friends, and a loving family. But she wishes she could sit in her tub and read Sylvia Plath…All. Day. Long. She’s just like you, a total loser.”

Thanks for making be feel better, Quarterlife Crisis assholes. You’ve just given me a laundry list of folks who are better off than us, but still cry themselves to sleep and are basically biding their time before retirement and subsequent death. That $6.50 could have gone toward a gaudy necklace from forever 21 or 2 bottles of the finest Aldi Winking Owl, but no…we were swindled like a couple of tourists.

Imagine our joy when we began to meet more people in Dallas, namely 2 ladies not unlike ourselves who joined us for a Mexican getaway this past summer (we’ll call them Pam and Maudra). The four of us bonded almost immediately over wine spritzers and our own secrets, which has led to us spending a lot of time together. Pam began reading So Long, Insecurity (SLI) and after a chapter of it, decided it was probably a good idea to share it with us – and thus, our book club began.

I’m not going to sit here and say that I am cured of all insecurity or that I was even painfully insecure to begin with…but the combination of this year of maturation and hearing the simple and beautiful truths in this book have allowed me to really evaluate myself and think, hey…I’m not as crazy is I thought was (or actually was in 2009).

If you deal with even a small shred of insecurity; if there is something you don’t have that makes you think, “if I can just get that, I’ll be ok.” If you lose sleep over a fear of losing something; if you have made a fool of yourself simply because you either feel like everything is your fault or anything someone says to you feels like a threat…pick up this book. You can email me if you want to, but I’ll probably just tell you to call your best friend, pour a cocktail, and cry it out. And after doing that repeatedly doesn’t help, pick up the SLI. Sure, it’s a little wordy and she goes on a rant about Victoria’s Secret…but still, it’s a great read.

Bottom line: there is nothing on this earth that can give you true security. We are souls who were made to bring glory to a mighty God who loves us more deeply than our human minds can comprehend. To find security is to find it in the Lord and know that He is enough. It is so much easier said than done, but something that has truly affected me is just learning about Him. I once heard someone quote, “The heart can not love what it does not know.” To know the Lord well is to love him intensely. The pursuit of His character has put everything into perspective: I belong to the Lord and He is good. (Matt Chandler said it wonderfully here).

One of my favorite parts of this whole story – we all took the cover off the book when we were reading it because having Beth Moore’s face and “SO LONG, INSECURITY” plastered all over it made us feel a little…silly. We’ll say silly.


Sunday, September 19, 2010


hello, blog world? it's me, Laura.
didn't expect to see this little post, did ya? well friends (if you're still out there), i'm returning, if just for the night, to this little website. i know it's been a long time. forgive?

i'm not even going to give you a recap of what's been going on since march. i couldn't if i tried. so just let's have a fresh start. OR let's pretend that i'm a teacher and take summers off. here goes...

the pumpkin spice latte i drank the other day is serving as the turning point into fall for me. i must say that this summer is one for the record books in terms of fun-had, but i have a good feeling about fall. sure, it's still blazing hot outside. but am i going to start wearing my over-the-knee boots and printed scarves? you betcha. a little shin sweat never hurt anybody. it's fall! and that means holidays, Hanson, and my quarter b-day. event i will recap for you is Oktoberfest in Addison, since that is an autumn activity. if you don't know what Oktoberfest entails, #1 i feel sorry for you, and #2 you should probably look it up so you don't miss out next year. so anyways, a big group of us went to the festival with our beer steins, listened to a live polka band, ate bratwurst, and drank some Spaten. there were frequent "CHEERS!" and mug-clanking, spontaneous arm wrestling, chicken dancing, aggies throwing up their horns... let me tell you, it was crazy. no lie, my neck is actually sore from the throw-back motion i now apparently do with my head when i find something particularly hilarious. truth be told, this is an event that i will no doubt be attending annually for the rest of my natural life.
this is andy. and this is the face he made pretty much all evening...except that one time in the photo below:
as you can see, everyone in this photo is having the time of their life. even the person taking this photo is having an awesome time, obviously, since the people in this photo are barely recognizable in all their blurred glory.

and that's all i've got really. i'm sorry it's not much. but maybe, just maybe, i'll post again before January. or maybe i'll kill this blog altogether and just send these in emails straight to ivy. #selfdepreciating


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

un-privatizing for 2 seconds

since i have been a superslacker and haven't written a post since privatizin' myself, i don't feel so bad about lifting this secrecy for a little bit. also, to my surprise...a few of my friends have been asking about the blog and whatnot and i realized i didn't actually have everyone's email address. so here's your shot to be added to the list. it's kind of like when you're standing outside of a really hip club trying to get in and you get to cut in line because you're name is on the VIP list. except not really. but send me an email ( or leave a comment and i'll make sure you get to cut in line and leave the hoes on the curb.

a few things have happened since my last entry, but don't be scared because these events will be recounted in upcoming posts:

- i went to connecticut and boston; espn headquarters, john mayer concert, etc.
- i had major face surgery aka wisdom tooth removal.
- i survived both of these events, barely.
- i saw jay-z live HOLLA.
- i went to austin for the lonestar alum party and got to see dani and ava. fantastic.
- i looked up my phobias on the internet: agoraphobia, androphobia, autophobia, cleithrophobia, defecaloesiophobia, dentophobia, erotophobia, iatrophobia, lockiophobia, melissophobia, odontophobia, ouranophobia, selachophobia, social phobia, zelophobia.

i have tons of phobias, which scares me.
anyway, i'll get back with some legit material soon. until then, love/miss/namaste.

Monday, February 15, 2010

no more looking at my privates

it's time to lock it up, no more slutting around all over the internet. my melodrama is not for everyone. i mean, i love chihuahuas and follow snooki on twitter so i might want to keep my...unique musings under wraps. goodbye random blog stalkers and hello to the new readers!

and i was right. the magic snow that dallas had was my good luck charm: i had a very nice valentine's day weekend. i always hate being so bitter about valentine's day - it's not because i feel sorry for myself or i'm jealous of all the lovers out there - i just think it's sort of ridiculous. the kind of love i want to be celebrating is the nitty gritty, selfless, raw, unglamorous, everydays that you share with the people that God's placed in your life to get you from one day to the next. and not just for one day, you know? don't get me wrong. i think hearts are awesome and the color red is super, not to mention the random sweet treats people whip up...i found some chocolate covered strawberries in the fridge last night, no doubt left over from my roomie and her bf's valentine evening. hope it's ok that i stole one. but all in all, v-day just isn't my cup o' tea.

i was so excited to get to see the wonderful ivy + troy duo on saturday night. seriously, these people are love. they just are. good gracious i'm sappy today. it must be because i watched the last half of the Holiday last night and bawled my eyes out toward the end of it. i don't know what it is about that movie but it always plucks on my heart strings.

please see below: ivy and troy welcomed their first pet, Pepper Ruths a couple months ago and she's so sweet i could die. i finally got to meet her and i'm absolutely in love. i adore puppies. they smell so good, i don't know what it is i just want to squeeze them to a loving way.
and of course, in the spirit of the day of love, i've got to give a shout out to my funny little valentine, Boston. i have a freakish and borderline unhealthy relationship with my dog, i realize, but i'm an only child so quirks are to be expected.
to all my valentines near and far, i hope you know how much i love you and am grateful for you (on all days).


Friday, February 12, 2010

wintry mix-a-lot

i don't know if you've noticed, but Dallas is buried underneath a boat load of snow. breaking news people, you're getting it here first i'm sure. i've appointed myself snow historian for the week, so here are some photos of our ski lodge...i mean, condo.

kh digging her car out on thursday morning.
we left work early (me, because i'm nursing a little sinus infection coupled with a duck cough) and after a little nap and green tea, i began what any normal person would do on a day such as this: movie marathon... helloooo, snuggie! sure, i'll take 2 scoops of ice cream!

good thing i was by myself for the movie marathon. i watched 3 movies and one of them had a SUPER awkward sex scene in it...and those make me wildly uncomfortable. i don't know why, but intimate scenes in movies make me cringe like i just peed my pants. i think it's because i'm wondering what the other people who are watching the movie are thinking and if they feel awkward too or if they think what they're watching is cool or clumsy or ...i don't know. i get all freaked out. i'm always that girl in the theater who ducks her head down and puts her hands over her eyes and ears and whispers, "sick!" or "oh for the love of God please don'-...ew." the latter was specifically during Crazy Heart. and if you've seen it, you know what i mean...good flick though. anyway, don't even try to figure out why i have this issue because there is no real reason for it except i'm just maladroit. and no, i've never walked in on my parents. they did it one time and it resulted in my birth and that's that (just kidding, i'm not that crazy). they love each other very much and i'm sure things are great with them and i can't believe i'm still typing about this and i'm going to go throw up now.

sorry, back to the snow.
snow is awesome and also my favorite color.
nighttime view out our living room patio. i tweeted it because it looks exotic.

this is the view from my room upstairs.
daytime view
it's funny how everything looks so much more beautiful with snow everywhere. even passing a strip mall on the access road, i thought to myself, "well isn't that a lovely little establishment, how quaint!" i felt like i was vacationing in colorado or something. i bet touristy ski places look just as boring as home without snow. but probably not.
i want to make a snowman when i get home today. there's tons of snow on my terrace, hopefully it doesn't jack up my new swanky furniture.
bos has the right idea. she's staying nice and warm in the bed.
and the picture trail ends here: at work, slosh city.
and in case you're wondering, i notified HR and security about my little impostor friend. after i told them my story, they said Richardson police was being notified (shudder).
on that creepy note, i'd like to wish you a happy valentine's weekend through clenched teeth. because the only feelings saint valentine stirs up within me are those of awkwardness and disappointment due to misplaced expectations of less than exciting circumstances. although the one truly great valentine's day i had was during a random snowy weekend with some great friends in high school. it was the week of 3 consecutive slumber parties. classic. maybe the snow will be my magical lucky love-day charm.

so i probably won't watch schindler's list like i did last year.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

creeps : Laura as moths : flame.

i wish this weren't true, but it is. i am a creep magnet. see, i have the words, "I AM NAIVE AND NEVER ASSUME THE WORST ABOUT PEOPLE AND WILL PROBABLY TRUST YOU" written on my forehead, illegible to anyone but delinquents.

i also do not have the ability to think quick on my feet and fall epileptic when confronted, be it a homeless person saying, "one that ALL you got?!" or a dude at a bar probing me for my phone number, "i'll just call your phone right now so you'll have mine..." and yes, both of these incidents have happened and both predators got what they wanted. uuunfortunately.

anyway, creep #1 was at the slip inn. i'm not going to put this story in writing because it haunts me to this day. i will say this: Randal, you are a disgrace to all men everywhere and your mother would be ashamed of you.

creep #2: i'm with 4 girlfriends at a bar on greenville. as soon as we walk in and begin ordering our drinks, a huge, i mean gigantically tall man grabs my arm and asks me to dance with him. me, always up for having a good time, oblige him and we two step to the live band that was playing. he dipped me and everything! it was hilarious (ivy/whit/shiv know that this is not the first time i have done this). anyways, after the dance, i go meet my friends at a table nearby. guess who comes with me! oh yes, franklin. his name is franklin. this is extra funny, because i told him that my name was frances...which basically meant that we were made for each other because his name is frank and his grandmother's name was frances too. oh yeah! and he has a lazy eye and is probably 42. so i'm making small talk with franklin and liz (thank God for her) and he asks me if i like to dance because according to him, i'm awesome at it. i say i like it alright... but then he starts listing all these "cool places in Dallas to dance" and tells me that he wants to take me to them. i said that i wasn't sure how my boyfriend would feel about know... we're practically engaged and he just happens to be out of town (ahaha, that lie is just funny). franklin assures me that we'd only go dancing as friends. right. look me in the eye with your good one and tell me again, cowboy.

creep #3 was disturbing, it happened yesterday. i was walking in the parking lot after work when a grey car starts driving AT me and then slows to a stop right beside me. it's a man in some sort of cop uniform...

cop: hey, how's it going?
me: just are you? (he's a cop, you have to be nice you know)
cop: doing great. just patrolling the area, there have been some break-ins reported around here. do you know of any break-ins lately? have you heard anything?
me: no...i just know that there have been some recently.
cop: yeah. you'll probably see more police patrolling the area, both in cop cars and street cars like myself. so what company is this?
me: fossil.
cop: oh yeah, fossil. how long have you worked there?
me: a year and a half.
cop: cool. the two guys who own the place, have you ever been to their houses?
me: no...
cop: MANSIONS, man. mansions. hahhaha!
me: i'm sure.
cop: so what's you're name?
me: Laura. (should i have said Frances like i usually do? wait no, that's only in bars and he's a cop...but still...he's creepy as frick)
cop: nice to meet you, Laura. my name is Jerry. well, i'll let you get on. have a nice night.
me: (bewildered) nice to meet you too, bye.
*conversation edited because i don't feel like typing it all out.


i'm sorry, but since when do cops in civilian cars corner women in parking lots when it's 35 degrees out? i'm literally standing there in the freezing cold, carrying several big bags and sound like an elderly man because i'm coughing like a duck (i have a sinus thing). and this dude is trying to shoot the breeze? mind you, his car is completely unmarked and there is absolutely nothing in the car besides his bag of fast food. by that i mean there was no radio equipment at all. not even a walkie talkie. you know what i think? i think i was about 2 minutes away from being in his trunk next to a crowbar with duck tape over my mouth.

i am 98% sure he was an impostor. i reported the incident to security and HR because it gave me the heebie jeebies. my coworkers all agree that was scary shit (sorry mom, but you know it is).

i always wonder why creepers zero in on me. i've been told that i have a very approachable these 2 dudes i met at karaoke night last week. they were nice. blah! see? there i go again. i need to stop handing out benefits of the doubt like a girl scout and start being a bitch or i'm going to end up inspiring an episode of CSI.


Monday, February 8, 2010

weekend funsies and an important annoucement at the end.

on saturday, our beloved dirty patricia graduated from Baylor Law School. it was so much fun to watch her walk the stage and scream our faces off and then spend the afternoon together...ivy, april and caleena were all there so it was a lovely little reunion.

trisha is pretty badass, she knows the LAW. she's going into family law so she'll probably be the one helping me adopt all my babies. thanks in advance dirty p!

she's a graduate!

also, i started the big purge of my belongings which means i'm basically running a boutique out of my condo. i'm not even kidding. goodbye, reason #5 why i'm an awful adult!

**Important announcement: I'm going to make my blog private, so no more peep shows. I'd like to be able to write about hilarity without worrying if someone is going to be offended/make fun of me later for it. If you're not already following me, send me your email address and I'll add you to my list of approved stalkers. i know there might be 3 of you out there. I'll give you until...February 15 to decide if you want in on this mess.

let me know:


Thursday, February 4, 2010

5 reasons why I am the worst adult ever.

i recently realized that i suck at being a grown up. sure, i've got some redeeming qualities, but they haven't really been able to make up for the fact that i'm barely competent at living my own life as a functioning adult. i've always had a safety net, and it's name is fred-and-charlotte. thank God for them. thank GAAAAAHD.

1. bills: at the condo where KH and i live, all bills are in my name. when we moved, i had our cable and energy services switched to our new residence and all was fine and dandy - or so i thought. i also pay our bills online because i'm cyber-savvy and my generation is hopelessly dependent on the internet (i am exhibit A). so after 3 months of living in melrose place, i realized that the address on our bill is not the address of our condo. WTF?! who's condo are we funding?! who's paying for OUR energy?! why, God, WHY??! then, we get a notice on our door from the energy company that the previous tenants used (that has been our energy provider all along) saying they're shutting off our energy unless we pay the balance for the last 3 months. well punch me in the crotch and call me clueless because this is just spiraling out of control. *this situation has since been resolved, more or less, but not without teeth-gnashing and hyperventilation. and Green Mountain energy owes us $700.

2. mail: i have so much of it that i don't know what to do with it all. KH doesn't receive mail at our place so i'm the one who checks it. not only do we have mail coming in for the previous dudes who lived here, but the owners too. not to mention all those coupons. ugh. i end up putting it in a huge bundle in a canvas bag and toting it back and forth from work to home every day in hopes that i'll have time to sort it. i finally gave the previous tenants their mail - in a shoebox... and i've been going through my own. guess what i found?! a notice from BofA that they were canceling my credit and debit cards and were sending new ones! AND i found the cards! from back in october. i didn't realize i had gotten all this in the back when my cards stopped working at McDonalds and Forever 21, i spent some time at BofA trying to resolve what i thought was a major situation then. i can't help it if the cards were in unmarked envelopes! it would have helped if they had said, "ENCLOSED IS YOUR NEW BANK CARD, DUMBASS!" on the front. then i would have cracked that crap open...

3. wisdom teeth: i still have them. do you know when my oral surgeon recommended me to get them out? summer of 2002...the last time i saw him. see, i'm an avoider. if i don't want to do something/face a situation, i retreat. it's unhealthy, i realize, but it's been working out OK...until the situation i have to face is a million times worse. BURN. anyway, the reason i have been freaked out is because back in 2002, i had oral surgery on my lip to remove some ruptured salivary glad or something (i don't remember)...but what i DO remember is being CONSCIOUS while he sliced open my face. also, right before he scalpeled me, i stopped him...

me: wait wait wait!!! i can still feel things!!! don't cut!!!
doc: hmm...i gave you a shot, you shouldn't be able to feel it...
me: uh...well i CAN. see?? (violently poking my lower lip)
doc: guess i can give you another shot just to be safe.
me: UH. YEAH.
then my mom picked me up and took me to sonic and i felt better...but STILL. that's messed up, right?

so i go to my consultation the other day, this little trauma fresh on my mind, and sat through a cheesy video about wisdom tooth extraction and possible risks. doc comes in and tells me i've got 4 impacted wisdom teeth that should have come out 8 years ago and i've got the risk of dry sockets because i waited so long. i can barely understand him, his voice is deep and his words run together a bit. also, he's got a crick in his neck and can't turn his head. at all. looking at my x-rays through the ceiling light was rather difficult to say the least. BUT DON'T WORRY. i won't need to be put under. i'll be consciously sedated, key word here being conscious. WHAT KIND OF UNDERGROUND TORTURE FACILITY IS HE RUNNING HERE?!?! at this point, my natural instincts are kicking in, so i just nod and say o...k.... and walk out of the office very fast-like. doom is coming for me on February 26.

4. cooking: for some odd reason, i have lost all ability to prepare food in a kitchen. let me rephrase that, prepare food for someone in the kitchen...

- meal #1 - a frozen pizza. i take it out of the oven to let it cool. i am notified that it is not cooked all the way and immediately snub the notification. only when i stick my finger in the frozen center do i realize that i had the oven on 325 instead of 425. awesome.
- meal #2 - potroast. i'm not going to throw my mom under the bus here, but i am. if charlotte dudney ever tells you to use oven bags, tell her that you will only use them to hold the mediocre meal that was cooked inside them as you take it to the dumpster. also, i made leaf soup. note: when making homemade dressing, do not pour the entire concoction into a salad bag, it will end badly.
- meal #3 - GRILLED CHEESE. why? why, God, would you let this happen again? how many nights have i made myself (and others) grilled cheese without a hitch? and have managed to botch the easiest meal known to man to prepare.

my woman card has been taken from me officially. sorry, dani. i failed you.

5. clutter: this is a lifestyle condition that i have tried to combat through changing apartments every year. i justify that in moving, i'll get rid of things i don't need. what a cute thought, buuuut false. my job also perpetuates this problem because i get free stuff all the time. i'm the trinket queen. i can barely clear a path in my room to walk from bed to toilet and i've been sharing my bed with a 5-pound chihuahua and a pile of clean clothes for which i have no home. it's actually quite comfortable to snuggle up to. i might as well get used to it, because the previous 4 points i have just made will inevitably result in that pile of clothes never being replaced by a husband.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010


i took a little 24 hour jaunt to my favorite place last weekend to help dani celebrate her 24th birthday. i hadn't been back since october 4th, so i've been itching to get back there for 110 days. almost 4 months. not ok.

i just love how i feel there. i'm not sure if it's that i'm more familiar with the area or i'm in my comfort zone...but i get instantly more secure, confident, joyful, inspired, what have you...when i barrel down 35 and see this...that'd be the view of campus/downtown from the highway. west-sideeee.

i rolled into town just in time for a lovely dinner at shady grove to celebrate dani and then went to a friend's apartment afterwards. they picked up 40's for us and it was my first experience drinking one - dani made sure we drank them out of paper bags so it was legit.

we played taboo and rock band. most of the taboo rounds went something like this:

michael (the clue-giver): ok, uh...SCANDAL. SEX TAPE. BLACKMAIL...
matt (a guesser): PROMOTION!!
michael: correct.

after belting a little alanis (me) and rage against the machine (dani), we headed DT for a little mooseknuckle action (of course). it was really nice to chill, visit old hangouts, and just be there. happy birthday my beautiful dani!! i loves you mucho.

i also had the privilege of staying the night at the house liz and i lived in senior year. caroline still lives there, lucky little ho. it was the place i lived in the shortest amount of time, but lots of awesome shiz went down in it holds such a special place in my heart. not to mention it was badawesome. many thanks to caro, can, and alyssa for the use of their most comfortable couch.

THEN i met up with the person who pretty much got me through college emotionally...and that'd be april. i'm not kidding you, we kept each other sane most times. one lunch or dinner with this chick and i was footloose and fancy free, lovin' life and thankful for her presence. we ate at magnolia cafe on south congress (another favorite must-go-here ATX spot).

so co
goodbye for now, austin. i promise i won't stay away so long this time.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

the coolest thing i've seen in a long time:

thanks, etsy.


Saturday, January 16, 2010

boom boom pow

i could tell you the story of how i was strutting around work in my adorable booties and then bit it hard in the huge main hallway sending a stack of papers scattering all over the floor and CC laughing uncontrollably...

or i could tell you the story of how i was gingerly gliding down my stairs to watch a movie with a dude and then slid down about 4 stairs on my tush while clutching the rail as hard as i wish i could hold on to my dignity. but i'm not gonna do that either.

instead, i'm going to tell you a story of triumph: i paid off my credit card this week. POW. i finally made the last payment from the smallish debt i got myself into last year when i was flirting with depression and got hair extensions and enough forever 21 clothes to outfit an entire teen movie. my debt is gone, my hair is sort of long again (although it's black and i look like snooki) and i am feelin' fancy.

i came home this morning to get a massage with my mom and grandma - real nice. we attempted to cleanse ourselves from all the toxins in our body by drinking lots of water, but then we went to snuffers. oh well. now i'm just chillin' at home with fred and charlotte and it's good times. i love 'em a lot.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

do you know who hates 6AM spin classes? God.

i have been getting so much better at working out it's ridiculous. it's like jillian michaels possessed my body or something. but not really, because i'm still the same lazy ass i've always been, i'm just adding frequent workouts to my weekly activities so i can slowly but surely get some actual muscle on my bones.

so anyway, i'm in love with yoga class. i go at least twice a week. i'm pretty sure it's my favorite because it tricks you into working out. you start out in complete stillness just breathing and then the next thing you know you're muscles are shakey and burnin' like the sidewalks in july. then on wednesdays, CC and i go to that 24 lift class where Legs (the instructor) blasts our bodies until we want to slap her face and then hug her at the end.

i have been avoiding the spin classes though, i'll admit. i hear they are quite difficult and require serious naturally i said, "nerp. not for me." but my roomie was all, "i'm going to the 6AM spin class tomorrow! let's both go! come onnnn." and i don't like to say no to people (except for STOP RIGHT THERE, 'the other sister' style), so i agreed.

thursday. january 7, 2010. i wake up at 5:45AM and am shivering in the car by 5:50AM (slept in my clothes for minimal morning effort). it's icy out, i know this, so i take caution to use the service road route instead of getting on the highway. i turn left onto central expwy and begin to accelerate for mere seconds before breaking to stop in front of 2 busted up cars that were blocking the entire road. except WTF??? i am not stopping?!?! JEEP, WHY ARE YOU FAILING MEEEeeeeee! crunch. calypso slams in between an SUV and some piece-of-crap white car. the space between the two vehicles was wide enough for me to pass through, but not without contact. it was the worst on my side, i lost the fender. no damage to the right side of my car. but guess who conveniently moves his piece-of-crap car SECONDS after i come skipping down the road of doom? white car dude. so now i've got a car to fix, dignity to find, and i don't even have a toned ass to show for it. i went home and sat on the couch and whined to my mom on the phone until i had to go to work and sulk some more.

tuesday. january 12, 2010. i wake up for a second attempt at spin class. KH and i walk out the door and begin the freezing-frick shuffle to the car. something falls. it's KH's iphone, we pause. i reach down to grab it and there it is: a completely shattered screen. the thing that makes this all the more tragic is that she treats that phone like it is the egg of an endangered animal. and she had only just received the cover she ordered for it after over a month of iphone nakedness. i kid you not: God is completely opposed to spin class.

so after KH's phone suffers major wounds, we hop in the car (thank you Jesus for her heated seats) and make it to spin class just as it begins! the last 2 bikes are on the front row (sarcastic hooray!) and on KH's left is this super buff chick who makes me want to cry. on the other side of me? a grunter. all i'm going to say about him is that it was rhythmic and made me wildly uncomfortable.

oh. but not as uncomfortable as the actual "bike" aka: instrument of crotch torture. 60 minutes we cycled. 60 minutes i cursed my bones. sitting on that seat and peddling was probably one of the most agonizing experiences i have ever put myself through. i even tried to put my little towel on the seat just to provide myself some shard of cushion but no. no. you go back and forth between standing and sitting, and that towel did exactly what i wished i could do: leap off that bike seat into the fetal position.

all that to say, i'm honestly proud of little dudsie for making it the whole time. i pushed myself as far as i could go and endured an hour-long class that was actually enjoyable (minus the grunter, the screeching instructor, and the horrible techno tunes). truth be told, i was planning on bailing after 30 minutes. i thought i couldn't take it anymore, what with my pubis bone being corroded...but then in the middle of the screecher's god-awful mix tape, Beyonce starts telling me to push through. so i did. i did it for her.

all in all, it was a pretty good day.


an afternoon at the office

this happened yesterday:
as usual, CC and i were singing lyrics back and forth in our cube. then it turned into an email chain that looked like this:

we always surprise ourselves with how many random song lyrics we know. we can go for a long time. anyways...

ME: danggg, we are such good rappers.
CC: i know, we're like salt 'n peppa
ME: who would be salt and who would be peppa?
CC: well...peppa was kind of a probably you.

it's the little things that get you through long days in a cubicle.

next up: why God hates spin class.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

christmas in jackson hole

this is the first year that my dad has had christmas off since before i was born. obviously holidays that are geared toward "togetherness" creates busy schedules for pilots. it's the nature of the business you know. it never bothered me growing up...all you have to do is move christmas to a different day, no bigs. i have always been annoyed by those christmas movies that center around whether or not someone's parent is going to be present on christmas eve/day. you know the ones: workaholic father, adorably disappointed kid, the parent's choice... i think those movies are ridiculous. did you know that you can actually celebrate christmas on the 26th of december and it does not change it one bit?? stupid brats who have no regard for the fact that their parent is actually working that hard so that they can buy them sh*t really chap my shorts. come on, precocious little menace. the world doesn't revolve around you and your lofty holiday expectations. you'll still get that barbie bicycle or the tonka truck...know why? because your daddy got a paycheck. anyway. i digress.

sooooo since my dad had his heart attack and is out on sick leave until the spring, we decided that we'd take a little family adventure vacation to jackson hole, wyoming, have a little white christmas for ourselves and get away just the 3 of us. it was short and sweet and action packed. the two full days we were there, my dad arranged for us to take tours of yellowstone national park and the hot springs on snowmobiles...

we got picked up by our guide around 6:30 the first morning. he was driving one of those 15 passenger vans with a couple other families who had already been collected from their respective hotels. i kid you not, this dude looked like a hybrid of Johnny Depp and Val Kilmer (circa 1986). we'll call him Johnny Kilmer (see below, i know right?!?). he was also crazy.
Johnny Kilmer is originally from arkansas, which you can immediately detect as soon as he opens his mouth and words come out. he is insanely friendly and outspoken, so mix those qualities with southern hospitality and comedic relief and that is a recipe for a Laura swoon. uh oh!

he's one of those dudes that is a reckless adolescent trapped in an adult body. i'm not kidding, he feared nothing. he'd whip the snowmobiles around with authority, man. he is a true outdoor dude. the things he said yielded a "WTF??" glance between my mom and me about 95% of the time. he told stories about "tacklin' a cy-ote that was takin' a dump by the side of the road" and "grabbin' a big ole crow and tuckin' it under his jacket and lettin' it lose in the bar just to see how people'd react," and such. there are really no words to respond to his remarks, only "ha..haahahha...ok...." here's another:

JK: "Yeeah. ever wunce ina while, i gotta check peoples fay-ces fer white spawts 'cuz that thurs the beginnin's of frawst bite. i knowed a gah who's nose got it and it dun turned black and fell awff. this wun time i was huntin' and decided to get in the lake and gave myself hah-po-thurmia, ya know. just so's i'd know whut it felt like. mos people don't know when they's got it 'cuz wunce you get it you think you're hawt so ya take off all ya clothes."
My Dad: "So you just sat in freezing cold water and gave yourself hypothermia?"
JK: "Yeeeah mayn."

this was nonstop randomness for 2 days.

we had a blast on those snowmobiles. the first day, we traveled over 100 miles throughout the park. each of us had our own snowmobile and we rode like little ducks in a row. i had issues keeping up with the group because i'd get caught up looking at the lovely landscape daydreaming, pretending that "1901" was the soundtrack of my journey. other times, "let it ride" by ryan adams would be playing in my head and i would feel like a badass sittin' back gangsta on that sno-mo, marshmellowed out in about 34 layers of clothing. cause i'm cool like that.
we stopped and walked around the sulfur springs where scalding hot water bubbles in patches beneath the snow-covered earth - it's so cool but it smells like farts. i walked behind my mom on the trails and every 5 seconds she was either hitting the snow off a tree branch or kicking the snow mounds like a little kid who leaves destruction in his wake. "um, mom...what are you doing?"
(she innocently looks back and grins) "i just can't help myself."my parents were giving me a hard time about driving so slow and not keeping up with the person in front of me, but... SORRY. sno-mos aren't the easiest machinery to operate, you pull the gas lever and lurch forward like a kid learning to drive a stick, then as soon as you let off the gas you basically come to an immediate complete stop no matter how fast you're going. it's tricky, ok? so it would only be appropriate that the most cautious driver would be involved in the only collision 5 minutes before we returned the vehicles. yeah. i rear ended my mom and my hood popped off... let it ride indeed. it was not badass.

nevertheless, we enjoyed the rest of our journey unscathed. on the way up, johnny kilmer was offering his usual ridiculous commentary: "awwwlright. we're comin' up on sum sulfur springs so don't think somewun dun fawrted in the vayn." ok...thanks....
we got to the park to begin snowmobile journey #2 and rode our sno-mos up to the granite hot springs. it's a natural outdoor hot tub! the water comes out of the earth at 112 degrees right in the middle of an atmosphere of 10 degrees. changing into our swimsuits and walking down to the pool was borderline unbearably cold but totes worth it. after our sno-mo adventure, we were ready to be back at our hotel for some r&r for our last night in the JH. we were mysteriously the first family to be picked up for the day and the last to be dropped off... hm...could it be that johnny kilmer felt a special connection to us? it's possible...
we said our goodbyes and went to the room. i threw on sweats as we prepared to go down to the hotel restaurant for our last meal in town when, out of nowhere, dad's phone rings. minutes later, with a bewildered expression, my dad reveals that johnny kilmer will be joining us. what in the sweet name of mary??? our tour guide wants to hang? sorry parents. i need a minute to spruce.

i felt totally awkward about it because i mean really...who has game when their parents are sitting inches away? come on. i have the tendency to be epileptic around dudes as it is. but oh, no worries. after he's chillin' with us for a few minutes i realize that he's not there cause he thinks i'm a cute no. he's got a man crush on my dad. see, he's an aspiring pilot.

ego deflating. i return to dallas with my tail between my legs and ready to begin my "better men in 2010" mentality.

merry late-christmas, loves. i hope yours was filled with happy memories, awkward family stories, and love. thanks for coming, Jesus!